You sir/ma’am are a jeanieus

Easy fix. Tie a string between your phone and headphones.

There are emergency exits for a reason. Tuck and roll

The law of wires states that if there is a doorknob for it to be caught on, it will be caught on the doorknob

I guess I’m an octopus then

That’s the definition of a piece of shit. They only want to do things if it’s wrong.

Master Yoda?

I doubt the cheaters are ending their relationship over this

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Certain women like asshole confidence. Typically the type to write “I’m a bitch, deal with it” in their bios

They needed to do a report to figure out taking medical care away would cause deaths?

I once accidentally turned on my seat warmer and halfway to work I thought I shit my pants

I like this game.

It wouldn’t be impossible to be a demented, narcissistic, pedo, with incestuous sexual desires and a diaper full of cheeseburgers

It’s the exact sequence that lead to the birth of the joker

It’s human nature to act like you’re in a really bad horror movie when you’re crunched for time.

Wake up and spill your glass of water

Put your underwear on backwards and don’t notice until you’re fully dressed

Drop the toothpaste cap down the drain

Need to poop but constipated

Make a mess putting together your smoothie then drop it on the floor when you’re done

Put your shoes on and realize you don’t know where your car keys are

Find them in the freezer beside your dead parakeet you plan on burying later

Drop the keys locking your front door

Drop the keys unlocking your car

Drop the keys between your seat and centre console, but it’s ok because you have a push to start

Hit every red light

Stuck behind legally blind geriatrics the whole drive

Get out of the car and spill your coffee

Close the door and remember your keys are still in the devil’s crack aka between the seat and centre console

Scrape up your hand reaching into the crack and accidentally wipe blood on your white dress shirt

15 minutes late for work but it’s ok. You remember you were fired last week for being chronically late.

Side note, I creeped your profile a little bit to make sure you would understand my humour, and clearly you did because you sent me the “I want a hot dog now” emoji. And I noticed you responded to someone who said Reanu Keeves was the most creative name they’ve seen and now I’m paranoid

Ya seriously, if you have enough structure to your poop you won’t need to scoop. You can pull them out like when you make a small cut just big enough for 1 wiener in a pack of hot dogs to limit oxidation.

I can’t see it as anything other than a logical fact. If you are alive, you will ineveitably face loss, disease, countless other things outside of your control. The phrasing I read was “to live is to suffer” which is the same in the end.

Always have something in your hand, a slightly irritated but thoughtful expression on your face, and call in a bomb threat if you get stuck napping under your desk while your boss is in your office waiting for you

It’s pretty easy if you eat all the mushrooms, flowers, and leaves you come across because you’ll either be high, full of energy, or dead and don’t need to deal with this pointless journey we call existence.

Waking up to serve others while we become empty husks, retire, and turn into worm food so that we may complete the cycle of life, fueling the growth of plants and mycelia for the next victim.

Anyways, our princess is in another castle