Gee I sure hope not

I want one of these for my pressure cooker

Bionic Marge sort

It is my firm belief that any ethical culture should have a legally mandated “no, fuck off” button. You can keep the “no, thanks” or “maybe later” buttons but the “no, fuck off” button must be displayed prominently alongside them.

It’s not possible for a planet to explode! And if it was then the empire didn’t do it. And if they did then it was only because Alderan started it. And if they didn’t then they still deserved it.

I am sleepy, goer of to bed. I do battle with the modern world in the form of this phone that I cannot put down. It is simply too captivating. The steady march of time leads my thoughts to increasingly radical and negative patterns. My mind cannot be trusted in the bedtime hours.

I am the worst. A hollow shell playing at being human with no regard for the damage it will cause. My every action rings hollow against the world and everyone can see it. They know that I have no soul. Of all existence I am a wretch too cowardly to live yet too afraid to die.

Time is a two dimensional force. One axis represents “time” as we commonly experience. The other represents the amount of starch in my stomach. Consumption of potatoes (especially fried potatoes) creates a divergence point into multiple timelines. This is why I was late to my meeting this morning.

No I am the best. Everything that I do is good because it is something that I have done. Everything that I am part of is better for having me be a part of it. This power is available to you, should you have the will to believe it. No action of heaven or earth is for my detriment because all things work together for my good.

My employer takes my SURPLUS VALUE in the form of PROFITS but I am a REAL PATRIOT so I don’t believe in HANDOUTS or TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION so I ROSE UP with my buddies in order to institute workplace DEMOCRACY.

Upside is this is a really good deal for the price. Downside is I didn’t expect there to be so many crabs

I don’t know why we’d want to

Having my first child taught me the crucial skill of delegation. Prior to this I carried that child around for nine months, but I didn’t let that get in the way of things. I never missed a meeting, not even during labour. I’m still working upwards of 12 hours per day and that’s because I know how to market my child. When a company grows, the founder and leaders are rewarded. The same is true of children. At only four months old my child has a projected net worth of 20 million, and I have crowds of investors looking for a place in their life. Creating market value is a key aspect of a child that many first-time parents overlook.

We put faces on our sugary treats in order to weed out empathy in our young. Put a human and a sugar chicken in the same room. The human will devour the sugar chicken while its friends watch.

Ooo can I have it then?

I lost a friend like this to the cicada cult. One day he’s feeling sympathy for the things and the next he’s stuck himself to a tree and won’t stop screaming. He never stopped after they died, I don’t think his mind could take it.

That’s MY HOUSE you bookstack! You thieving oil barrel! I was IN THAT HOUSE. I STILL AM. Put us down and LET ME OUT. Where is the exit??

It’s true! He was visited by three ghosts and became a changed man. Just kidding! That did happen but he didn’t learn anything and remained a piece of shit. But! Then the mummified remains of Abraham Lincoln ate his face and he died. However! He’s been replaced by a mechanized version of himself, and it’s even worse than the original.

A bee petting zoo! Bumblebees are very cute and very fluffy. Having a petting zoo would help people get I touch with nature, and if the guests are too belligerent about it then the bees will just sting them. I think that bumblebees might also not die after stinging, and if so they’d learn how to fight humans. When the time is right you can unleash a swarm of cute fluffy bees trained in anti-human warfare. You could use them to crush any competition. If you still want more money you can become a bee-based supervillain and rob banks or something.

Rocks are not mere pets, do not be so arrogant to think of them as such. You might think of them as tools but you’d be wrong about that was well. We are the tools. We have been tools from the moment a human first picked up on of those profane things. A rock hungers for violence and murder yet lacks the capacity to perform such feats on its own. They use us, like Cain of old, to turn the grindstone wet with blood for goals beyond our understanding.